you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize