i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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