The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
