my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize