just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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