I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
