my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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