she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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