She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
