My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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