Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
