Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
