so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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