So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize