That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Randomize
