i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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