All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
