I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
