hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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