I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
