I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
