I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize