i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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