Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
