I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Can I color on your dick again?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just forgot I was standing up.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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