I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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