every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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