There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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