I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
