You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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