Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
