1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
