does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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