This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
