I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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