i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
