Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
This baby is an asshole
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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