Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
