he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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