Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
