Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
ttyl tear gas
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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