my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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