is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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