Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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