I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
