being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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