some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
