mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I still have a little drunk in my system
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize