saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
a search helicopter?!
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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