what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
