We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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