i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
