I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
