i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize