I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
