shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
