So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It's never too late to be topless.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I need water and some morals
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
