he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
