don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
