Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
