Swine flu. Run for my life!
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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