Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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