There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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