I checked into jail on foursquare
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
