So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
