we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize