He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
