Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
A+ Viking dick
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
