Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You need Xanax blowdarts
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
