i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
